First 30 Days
Everything is different now. And you still have to get through today. This chapter walks you through what to expect, what to do, and how to talk to the people who depend on you.
Week 1 🌊
What you are feeling is completely normal
The first week is a blur. You might feel numb one hour and flooded the next. Anxiety, grief, guilt, anger — all of it comes and goes without warning, sometimes overlapping in the same ten minutes.
This isn't weakness. It's a completely human response to a seismic life event. You don't need to handle it — you need to let yourself feel it.
You may find yourself second-guessing everything: Should I have done more? Did I miss a sign? Could I have stopped this? These thoughts are normal too. They don’t mean anything about you.
If this is hitting harder than you expected, here's support.
988 Suicide & Crisis LifelineCall or text 988 — available 24/7, free and confidential.
SAMHSA's National Helpline1-800-662-4357 — treatment referral and emotional support, 24/7, free.
A few things that might help
Week 1–2 📋
The immediate practical steps
While your emotions are settling, there are a few things that have time-sensitive deadlines. You don’t need to do all of them at once — but knowing what’s coming helps.
Call the facility’s main line and ask for the bond amount and bond process. Most county jails allow a bail bondsman (10% of bond). Federal cases work differently — talk to a federal attorney before posting bond in federal cases, as it can affect your legal options.
You need a lawyer whether you think you need one or not. If you can’t afford one, you’ll be assigned a public defender — but you can also ask around for a private attorney who does sliding scale or payment plans. Don’t wait until arraignment.
Most facilities require approved visitors to be on an official list. Contact the facility directly and ask what the registration process is. Some allow online registration, others require a paper form and photo ID.
Ask your attorney for a clear explanation of the charges, the maximum possible penalties, and the timeline. If you don’t understand something, ask again. You deserve to understand what’s happening to your family.
If this person was a primary caregiver or co-parent, you may need to notify schools and adjust pickups. If they had a job, you don’t need to notify their employer — that’s handled by the system.
Week 1–3 💌
Visiting and staying connected
Staying in contact matters — for them and for you. Every letter, message, or visit is proof that they haven’t been forgotten.
It's okay if you can’t visit often. You don’t owe anyone a performance. But if you can, here’s what to know.
A few things that might help
Ongoing 🧒
Talking to children
Children feel everything in the house — even when no one says anything. They don't need a perfect explanation. They need honesty, reassurance, and you.
How much you share depends on their age. But the core message is the same at any age: "The adults in your life are taking care of this, and you are loved."
If your child (or you) is struggling harder than expected, here's support.
988 Suicide & Crisis LifelineCall or text 988 — available 24/7, free and confidential.
SAMHSA's National Helpline1-800-662-4357 — treatment referral and emotional support, 24/7, free.
Ages 0–6
Keep it simple. "Dad is away for a while and will come back." Focus on routine. Kids this age need predictability more than explanations. If their schedule changes, prepare them in advance. Keep them close to caregivers they trust.
Ages 7–12
They'll have more questions — and some may be hard. Answer what they ask, not more. "I don't know" is a valid answer. Avoid blaming anyone or making them feel they need to choose sides. Watch for changes in sleep, appetite, or school performance — kids this age often express stress through behavior, not words.
Ages 13+
They'll have opinions, feelings, and maybe anger. Let them. Don't shut down hard conversations or tell them how to feel. Check in regularly — not as interrogation, but as genuine curiosity about how they're doing. If they seem very withdrawn or depressed, consider a therapist who specializes in children with incarcerated parents.
Week 2–4 🫂
When to seek support
You are not weak for needing help. Needing help means you're paying attention to what's happening.
If any of these describe how you've been feeling for more than two weeks, please reach out:
Family and Friends of Incarcerated People
Support groups and advocacy — find one local to you
your child’s school counselor
Free support for kids in crisis. Teachers are mandatory reporters — let them know what’s happening so they can help.
Reaching out isn’t a failure. It’s how people survive impossible things.
Chapter 1
Feel it before you move through it
This isn't a test. There are no right answers. Choose a feeling below, open the prompt, and write whatever comes.
If this is hitting harder than you expected, here's support.
988 Suicide & Crisis LifelineCall or text 988 — available 24/7, free and confidential.
SAMHSA's National Helpline1-800-662-4357 — treatment referral and emotional support, 24/7, free.
"When you think about what your life looked like before — what do you miss most? Write without editing."
"What's the part of this that makes you angriest right now? Don't hold back here."
"What are you telling yourself you 'should' feel that you don't?"
"Describe a moment recently when you felt genuine hope — even briefly."
"Write a few lines to your person — the version they will actually read, not the version you edit."
"What's the worst-case scenario your mind keeps running? Write it out completely."
Chapter 2
The apps your family actually needs
Step-by-step guides for the three platforms most families use. No jargon — just clear steps.
Used by most state and federal facilities. Handles messaging, video visits, and phone accounts.
Download the app
Search "GettingOut" (iOS) or "ConnectNetwork" (Android) in your app store. Install and open it.
Create your account
Tap "Sign Up" and enter your name, email, and a password. Use your real name — the facility will verify it.
Add your incarcerated person
Go to "Visitors" > "Add Visitor". You may need their inmate ID number and facility. Some facilities require the incarcerated person to add you first.
Fund your account
Go to "Account" > "Add Funds". ConnectNetwork takes a commission on deposits — typically 10–15%. Adding $50 gets them ~$43. Avoid small top-ups; they add up fast.
Send a message
Tap "Messages" > "New Message". Select your person from your contacts. Type and attach photos (read the photo policy in Settings). Tap Send. Messages are reviewed before delivery — allow 1–3 business days.
Schedule a video visit
Go to "Visitation" > "Schedule Visit". Pick an available slot. You may need to pay per visit ($0–$15 depending on facility). Join 5 minutes early.
Used heavily in county jails and some state facilities. Known for higher costs — know before you spend.
Download the app
Search "Securus Mobile" in the App Store or Google Play. The app is free; you pay when you use it.
Register with your facility
Tap "Sign Up" and enter the facility code. You can find this on the facility’s commissary page or by calling the jail’s main line. Enter your personal info and verify your email.
Connect with your person
Once registered, search for your person by name and date of birth. Send a friend request — they must accept it in the app before you can message or call.
Understanding the fee structure
Video calls typically cost $0.15–$0.30 per minute. Photo messages are $1–$3 each. Messages are cheaper. Set a monthly budget and stick to it — it’s easy to overspend without noticing.
Send a photo message
Open a conversation > tap the camera icon > select a photo. Photos are reviewed before delivery (usually within 24 hours). Review the facility’s photo policy for size and content rules.
Schedule a video visit
Tap "Video Visitation" > "Book Visit". Select a time that works for both of you. The facility controls which devices can be used — confirm before booking.
Designed specifically for incarcerated people. Unlimited free replies from inmates using the app.
Download the app
Search "TextBehind" in your app store. Both parties need the app — you and your incarcerated person.
Create your account
Tap "Get Started" and sign up with your email and phone number. Verify your email, then complete your profile (real name, photo ID recommended).
Connect with your person
Search for your person by name and date of birth, or use the invite link they can send from their app. They must accept before messaging begins.
Send your first text
Tap "Messages" > "New". Select your person from contacts. Type your message and send. Standard text messages are free for you. Your person responds at no cost to them.
Send photos and cards
Tap the camera icon to attach a photo. Tap the card icon to send a greeting card. Photos are reviewed before delivery. Greeting cards have a flat fee ($1–$2) depending on design.
Understand delivery timing
Your texts go to a moderation queue before reaching your person — typically 12–24 hours. Their replies come back through the same queue. Plan around this; same-day responses are not possible.
Chapter 3
Permission to Move Forward
Sometimes the hardest part isn't loving them — it's giving yourself permission to live too.
